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Hi!!! What have you been up to lately?
Here are some fine jokes:
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Anniversary Gift Advice for Men
For men only: Women, please don't read this. Gifted as you are with superior
insight and depth of feeling, please allow us this forum for male fellowship
focused on improving our relationships with you.
Thank you.
When it's your anniversary, don't be like every other dirt bag out there showing up with some flowers, or worse, a piece of mall jewelry. Show a little creativity now, while she's still trying to figure you out. Once she thinks you care, you can slack off. She'll always have an idea that just behind that vacuous gaze is a coiled hotbed of inspiration.
Here are some ideas for "The Best Anniversary Gift Ever:"
.: Anything you make yourself is a sure fire hit (as long as it's not cigars or bullets). Try painting or papier mache. The best thing to make is something naturey that you can pretend reminds you of her (butterflies, birds, or some shit).
.: Bake something. Well, buy something, then put it in a Tupperware and say you baked it. Avoid cakes, which are easier to spot as store bought. Cookies are perfect.
.: Donate to a world relief fund in her name. With little effort, this can be faked.
.: The "tune up": Take a half-day off for an "appointment." Go to her work and announce that you are taking her car in for a "tune up." Drive to an early happy hour for a few beers. Return her car and walk into her office like a hero for a big kiss. For big anniversaries, tell her there was something wrong with the brakes that cost $262 dollars. Spend an extra hour at the bar.
.: Give her "coupons" for doing things she might like, like a back rub, foot massage, anything that might lead to sex.
.: Serenade her with new lyrics to a favorite song. Even if you can't sing, your pathetic attempt will be interpreted as endearing. Here's an example to the tune of "Wouldn't It Be Nice": "Wouldn't it be nice to lick my boulders, then you could swallow up my schlong. I could dress like agent Mulder, the truth is right here in this bong. Another year together we'll be spending. Maybe invite one of your hot friends in. Wouldn't it be nice?" etc.
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Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to
an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if
I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not,
dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said
the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
*******
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister
and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this
can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If
you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect
of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful.
It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to
your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral
sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man.
This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back
to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is
when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect
of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your
man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood.
Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists
and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show
your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to
cook him a delicious meal.
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pseudoDICTIONARY
> aboot - about. Used to emphasize Canadianess.
ex. "You're Canadian?" "What are you talking aboot, eh?"
> netizen - a person who spends an excessive amount of time on the Internet [blend of Internet and citizen].
ex. "...investors and Netizens alike were left wondering what went wrong. ("Newsweek")
> worrywort - a person who tends to worry habitually and often needlessly [compound of worry and wort].
ex. "The people in charge of making sure an HMO stays solvent seemed like worryworts." ("US News", 24 November 1997)
Word Origins
Dollar
The origin of the almighty dollar is in what is now the Czech Republic. In 1519, a silver mine near the town of Joachimstal (literally "Joachim's valley," from the German Tal, meaning valley) began minting a silver coin called, unimaginatively, the Joachimstaler. The coin, which was circulated widely, became better known by its clipped form, the taler. In Dutch and Low German, the initial consonant softened to become daler. English adopted this form, eventually changing its spelling to the modern dollar.
In the American colonies, there was no standard currency. The coin that was in widest use was the Spanish Peso, known also as "Pieces of Eight." The English colonists informally assigned the name dollar to this coin. In 1785, when the Continental Congress established U.S. currency, they adopted dollar as name for the standard unit of currency, at the suggestion of Governeur Morris and Thomas Jefferson, because the term was widely known and was not associated with any form of official English currency (Jefferson also coined the term disme, from the French dixieme, for a tenth of a dollar. Pronounced deem, it eventually became dime).
The U.S. was the first nation to adopt an official currency named the dollar. In 1797, the Bank of England began minting "dollar" coins as bank-issued currency. Other nations that have adopted the name dollar for their currency have done so in emulation of either the U.S. or this short-lived Bank of England practice.
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Quotes about stuff
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of
Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
Mark Russell
Just Wondering
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be kept hot or
cold?
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THIS DAY IN HISTORY
November 10
BIRTH OF THE U.S. MARINE CORPS (1775):
During the American Revolution, the Continental Congress passes a resolution stating that "two Battalions of Marines be raised" for service as landing forces for the recently formed Continental Navy. The resolution, drafted by future U.S. president John Adams and adopted in Philadelphia, created the Continental Marines and is now observed as the birth date of the United States Marine Corps.
Serving on land and at sea, the original U.S. Marines distinguished themselves in a number of important operations during the Revolutionary War. The first Marine landing on a hostile shore occurred when a force of Marines under Captain Samuel Nicholas captured New Province Island in the Bahamas from the British in March 1776. Nicholas was the first commissioned officer in the Continental Marines and is celebrated as the first Marine commandant. After American independence was achieved in 1783, the Continental Navy was demobilized and its Marines disbanded.
In the next decade, however, increasing conflict at sea with Revolutionary France led the U.S. Congress to establish formally the U.S. Navy in May 1798. Two months later, on July 11, President John Adams signed the bill establishing the U.S. Marine Corps as a permanent military force under the jurisdiction of the Department of Navy. U.S. Marines saw action in the so-called Quasi-War with France and then fought against the Barbary pirates of North Africa during the first years of the 19th century. Since then, Marines have participated in all the wars of the United States and in most cases were the first soldiers to fight. In all, Marines have executed more than 300 landings on foreign shores.
Today, there are more than 200,000 active-duty and reserve Marines, divided into three divisions stationed at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina; Camp Pendleton, California; and Okinawa, Japan. Each division has one or more expeditionary units, ready to launch major operations anywhere in the world on two weeks' notice. Marines expeditionary units are self-sufficient, with their own tanks, artillery, and air forces. The motto of the service is Semper Fidelis, meaning "Always Faithful" in Latin.
Birthday Board: November 10
1484 - Martin Luther (religious leader: founder of Protestantism:
wrote: 95 Theses On the Power of Indulgences, calling for reformation of the
Roman Catholic Church)